My Open Letter to my Mental Health
So, here we are then. For years, I’ve struggled with this term ‘mental health’. I.E. it’s taken me a long time to truly define to myself what the term ‘mental health’ means to me, means to others and how it affects myself and others.
It’s important to understand that mental health isn’t just this one simple meaning. It has many words or many issues if you will which fit under this ‘mental health’ umbrella. There are 3 big topics I will be referring to in this letter which have all considerably affected me throughout the last 4–5 years. Most notably this year in 2020.
Depression : a term which in my opinion is used rather loosely. A Person is commonly known to throw this around and say ‘this is depressing’ simply because one thing may not be positive. Depression however, is defined as ‘a mental illness commonly characterised by low mood and a decreased ability to function with the world around you’. 2020 has allowed me to truly understand this meaning, with my mind preventing me from loving things that my life has revolved around. This includes people who have been in my life, football and fitness, both of which as a lot of you may know are two key components of my life. It’s important to understand we who are truly depressed simply don’t choose to be, it’s an illness which doesn’t get taken as seriously as it should. It’s not just mentally that depression is seen and this is where it is so key. You’ll see it in people’s physical appearance where they may make less effort on how they look. They may be sleep deprived. They may suffer from headaches, have a lack of appetite or lack any sort of energy. In terms of their behaviour, they’re commonly known to shut off from social interaction when they can get away with it unquestioned as they’ll believe to be a hinderance to people. They may hate everything about themselves and never be happy with their physical appearance and form a basis of self-hatred. Ultimately, this can boil down to them thinking they’re worthless, and the world would be a better place without them in it… the idea of suicidal thoughts running through their mind.
At some point within 2019–2020, I’ve experienced all of the above.
Anxiety. To define anxiety in my mind, it’s the principle of being scared of potential outcomes, being scared of seeing people and what they may think of you and being worried/concerned about performing an action. Anxiety is something that again takes many forms and ultimately causes a person to shut off from people, from social interaction, from their job, their hobbies, etc. When I was younger, physically I looked a hell of a lot worse than what I did now, yet never felt any sort of anxiety about how I looked or how others felt about me. Fast forward to present day when arguably my figure is much better and at times, have looked after myself better and I’m always conscious about how I look, how others look at me, how I’m perceived by people and it hurts. It stems from way back in secondary school when it felt as if every person was either calling me ‘fat’ or ‘thunderthighs’ at every turn. As soon as I left school, all I wanted to do was lose weight and I didn’t care how. What I didn’t realise at the time is that there would be times in recent years where I became wayyyyyy too reliant on how I looked to people or how I looked when I looked in the mirror. This idea of having a phase where all I wanted to wear was muscle fit shirts assuming I’d be noticed and why I ever cared about this sort of thing is beyond me.
Suicide, extremely taboo but the third thing I want to talk about here in terms of ‘my mental health’. I appreciate for a lot of people this can be a trigger and this is why I have put the preface above, so if you choose to read this, you know roughly what we are getting ourselves into again. So, if this isn’t something you want to be reading, I’d press the close button now. Anyway… As a younger lad, I was very naive to this idea that anybody would contemplate ending their life. I had this idea that no matter what, we just live through life and this was due to my lack of understanding. Yes I was insulted in school, and yes I had some terrible days etc but not once did I leave school thinking, ‘I want to end my life’. It’s only the last year or so that this has felt like a genuine option to me. Up until right now, I have only ever told one person at one occasion I felt like I wanted my life to end, as I didn’t feel as if it was worth living anymore. I have never told anybody since, and the person I did tell is no longer in my life. For at least the last year, I have contemplated this idea at least 3/4 times a week, even through ‘good’ times or times where people assume I’m happy, it is safe to say most of us suffer in silence. This is me opening up and ‘owning’ that feeling I’ve had for a long time.
So, after reading everything you will have read above, you may be asking yourself, ‘okay, but what is your point?’
Like I just said, I guess the purpose of this letter is to ‘own’ how I have been feeling. This is my method of opening up and this is my way of explaining to whoever may stumble across this that quite frankly, these feelings can succumb anybody at any time. To the majority, I’m just this average bloke who loves football and fitness. Ultimately, the way I view myself is so so different, regardless of how I am perceived. I see myself as this guy who talks too much, cares too much about how I am viewed and at the best of times, I know I can be this person who is hard to love, hard to be around and rather irritating at the best of times. My mental health is the reason people have left my life this year, with me letting people go simply because I don’t want them being hurt as a cause of my actions based on my mental state. As much as the next person, I have bailed on people and bailed on occasions because I can’t bring myself to get out of bed. I can’t sit here and say I’ve been the best friend, the best boyfriend, the best brother, the best son, the best cousin, you name it. I wholeheartedly know that many times over the last 12–18 months especially I have let people down on multiple occasions.
Why do I feel the need to own this?
Simply enough, 2021 is my year. As is 2022, 2023 and so on. I have so much I want to do and so much to achieve that I don’t want to keep losing this battle with my mind. I understand I can’t just flick a switch and expect it all to be fine, but I will be putting every single step in place to ensure I am beating this battle and winning the war. I have a career set in stone. I have an amazing support mechanism, including my best mates, and the boys within football who have always had my back whenever times have been high, low or anything in between.
This is my letter to show to people that mental health issues can take over anybody. Again, I’m just your average bloke in my head. Even those who look like they’re on top of the world can suffer in silence. If this story even helps one person, I will consider this a success. I’m posting this on New Year’s Eve in order for this to maybe give some idea of perspective and for me to view this in a years time, 2 years etc. as a reminder of how far I have come since admitting these feelings and owning exactly how I have felt for too long.
NOBODY deserves these feelings and nobody should ever suffer in silence. Help is there, people are there, resources are there. YOU are never alone. Talking takes away the burden from your mind and gives you access to the light at the end of the tunnel.
Keep the faith. We always keep fighting.
‘It’s not about how hard you can hit… it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward… that’s how winning is done’.